I accidentally burped into my bong.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
