I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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