Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
