He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
