Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
