Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
