i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Randomize