it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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