I wish my penis had an off switch
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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