Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
found the other keg... it's in the tree
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Randomize
