Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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