when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
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