so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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