remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Randomize
