Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
