It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Randomize
