The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
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