woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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