you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
