please come you make the beer taste better
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
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