i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
My legs feel like baby dolphins
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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