yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
