It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Randomize
