I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
