Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
