i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
