i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
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