wrigley field is MILF paradise
someone threw a dead crab at me
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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