He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
