I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
