3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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