Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Randomize
