I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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