haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
