Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
if i can run in heels then i can drive
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
