My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
