Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
