im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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