btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
