Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Randomize
