Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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