she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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