I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Randomize
