You're my little dorito
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
