It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
