I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
