I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Randomize
