If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
