Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
