I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize