Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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