Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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