I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
The uberlube is also flammable
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
