I'm laying in your front yard are you home
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
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