May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Randomize
