Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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