Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
