Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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