If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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