some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
