apparently the secret to your success is patron
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
